pretty disapointed..

so i am pretty sure i have yet another concussion. i am not really mad or anything about it but i am alittle disapointed. it has been a long time since i have really had one. on the bright side for some reason my job orientation is not untill tues morning. so i am thankfull that i am going to have a few more days to feel better before then. i have been playing basketball and soccer again and i am starting to get back in shape. i have learned to play alot more within myself. i play hard, but i dont play how i used to. (though some days i wish that i could still) today i mostly stayed resting laying down and sleeping. i watched a few shows online and things like that. tonight my mom had a jewlry party and i mostly stayed in her room and layed down. after the party i was able to talk to a friend of mine for about a half hour who was here for the party, that was really great. i hope that i am going to not be so dizzy by tomarow, but im not really sure that i am going to be after how i feel tonight. there is all ways hope for tomarow though :)

Tony the tiger and more!

so the last couple days have been pretty good overall. yesterday i got the chance to go up to the washington city rec center with my mom, karlie, chris, and karlies 2 friends audry and ashley. it was alot of fun to sit with my mom and watch them play and have fun. even though i am feeling things again that i haven't in awhile it was not to bad. i got through it, thats all that matters. For all the good in this world there will all ways be hard times, trials and struggles. that doesn't mean we should give up and let those hard times over take us. In the past i have done that. when things got hard... when i couldnt make it through certain things i would tend to give in some. for those of you reading this that know me you understand that the situations i was going through were no where near "normal trials" if there even is such a thing. Sometimes we are blessed with certain gifts that can be hard at times. but the lord says in D & C section 46 verse 11. For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the spirit of god." so we all have gifts, its our job to learn what those are and how to best use them for what the lord wants us to do. another part of that verse is 9. and it says.. For verily i say unto you, they are given for the benefit of those who love ma nd kep my comandments, and him that seketh so to do; that all may be benefited that seek or that ask of me, that ask and not for a sign that they may consume it upon their lusts." whatever gifts and things we have been blessed with in this life ... its for the benefit of not only us, but those around us. so not only should we not let ourselfs get so beat up and beat down that we hide and get to the point that we cant be out and about with others to help them, but we should also not get full of ourselfs. weather we are amazing at a particular sport, or if we can do anything else really well we should not let ourselfs get caught up in pride. we need to remember where these gifts have come from, and what we are suposed to use them for. it is amazing the effect for good or for bad someone can have if they are exseptionaly skilled in some area that someone can have.

more thoughts of randomness

Sometimes the most beautifull things in the word are not words... they cannot be expressed in any written or verbal form. they are the thoughts, feelings and emotions of someone who loves you. it is the most amazing thing in the world to sit and look at someone whos looking right back at you saying nothing but you can feel it in your heart that all they are thinking about is how much they love you and how much you mean to them. there is no better feeling then that. no better reasurance... or comfort.. then physically knowing feeling, and being reasured. its pretty incredible.. song, and word are pretty some can really touch the soul, but a loving look really lets you know..

Confusing

Life is hard. it is suposed to be. when you care for and about others it makes that hard multiplied. when you feel and sence others.. and honestly care.. it multiplies the multiplied # by ten atleast.. it leads to do things such as setting up someone you like with your good friend... they end up together for a couple years, and your happy they are happy together. that works in life for so long. helping people, making others happy... it makes me happy to see others happy. but i have been realizing the last few weeks that there comes a point in life where you have to do something for yourself, and not think about others 1st. it sounds kinda mean maybe.. but sometimes you have to think of yourself too. new places, new faces. things are new around me everyday still, i have gotten much more involved in the new ysa ward. i have multiple callings and im loving every min. of it. my shell has been cracked and i can see my old self through those cracks. the lord knew what i needed to start to break that shell away, and he has helped me. even more amazing yet is the fact that he is helping me even more by bringing more people into my life in just the right way ... im sure if you ever read this you would know who you are. i feel like i have a purpose in life again. something that i couldnt say even 7 months ago. still helping people.. still caring.. but also sometimes (still seldom) but sometimes... doing things for myself as well. it is hard for me to know how to act around certain people, especially ones with negitive thoughts coming at me. i am learning on how to handle that.. in fact one person like that when i 1st moved in i can actually consider a friend now. we got through that. the last few days and nights have been amazing. i cant belive how great someone is.. just seeing a smile... thats all it takes. its pretty hard knowing things well before anyone else really should sometimes. especially when it comes to certain matters. i am thankfull for my good friends here and other places who have been there for me when i needed that help to get through those times of waiting. i am going to provo/salt lake tomarow.. i am really really excited about that. though alittle nervouse about a few aspects of that trip. i am sure things will go welll, i just hope that i can act right in the right situations. my sister is now engaged as well. that is who im going up there with her and her fiance. i am really happy for her, and proud of her for how well she is doing latly. life has really changed for my whole family in the past year or so. it is really amazing to look back and see each little stepping stone and event that has made me into the person that i am today. i am greatfull for those trials and hard times. .... like a butterfly in a cacoon. it has to struggle and fight for its life literally to break free of that cacoon, and then its so weak after breaking out and wet that it has to sit and dry out and recover. but beacuse of that battle inside the caccoon to get out it gives the butterfly the strength to live. if you were to cut the cacoon open and free the butterfly without the fight it would die very fast. it is amazing to me how true this is in life. the lord places trials and obstacles like that cacoon that we have to fight through with everything that we are. but once we get through.. rest and dry out.. we are strong enough to make it through the next thing to come in life. thanks again to everyone.. and especially i am gratefull for a new friend who has talked to me alot latly..

Pretty good night

Tonight was pretty good. I went to FHE tonight and played volleyball and kicked around a soccer ball with some friends. it was alot of fun, i got to talk to someone i really wanted to talk to alittle bit. After that i went with dason and picked up my sister from work. I went bck to my house and droped off dason and chelsea at my house and then went to lins to meet up with aubrey and talked for alittle bit. it was really nice. I am glad that i have friends that i can talk to. i was having alittle bit of a hard time with something and talking really helped that. i hope to have something more and better to say tomarow but im really tierd right now.

thankfull

Last night was a crazy night. Karlie and her friend ate some berrys or something off of a plant and her friend got really sick. she had to go to the hospitol last night and get checked out. karlie ate some also and her being really sensitive felt really bad and was scared she and charity were going to die, and that it was her fault.. and it was really hard. thankfully they are both ok and are going to be ok now. I had to run to lins with my dad around 11:30 to get some gingerale and stuff for them. When i got home chelsea and dason decided to watch a movie around mid night, so i just went to bed. I woke up to my mom saying ryan.. can you come help give chelsea a blessing? She wasnt breathing and was having areally hard time doing so. I am so thankfull for the opertunity that i have to live in these days where i can be privliged enought to hold the pristhood and to help in situations like that. its really truly amazing that the power of the priesthood has. i know and have seen it do many amazing things in just my own life. The day i got ordained and recived the melchezidek priesthood was such an amazing day and i will never forget the experience or the feelings that i had when it happened. that was the 1st time in my life i had gone up to bear my testimoney in fast and testimoney meeting and started crying before i said anything. i am so thankfull that i was able to help my sister last night and she was able to breath ok and settle down and make it through the night.

its been some time

it has been a little bit of time since i wrote anything here. Alot has been going on latly. I have met alot of new people, some of witch i am spending alot of time and effort in atempting to get to know better. It is really amazing to me how just when you think you have someone, or something in life figured out something happens to change how you feel or what you think about that. I now have 3 Callings with the church. I cant remember if i mentioned them before but they are all going great. I started to mix some things up with my mind so obviously in other places latly.. (thanks to a certain someone) but hopefully i can start to keep things straight again lol. The more i reflect and look back at somethings that have happened in my life, the more it makes me first of all thankfull. thankfull that i have no only survived through some of these things, but also thankfull that i was able to expeirence them and to grow from and through them. Even though some of them are and were so hard that even now talking about them i start to tear up a little. The hardest times in my life are the times that have truly made me the person i am today. I will never wish that any hardship ive faced to this point in my life never happened.. beacuse if it had not have happened i dont know who i would be right now. i belive that i have seen some of the highest of highs, and some of the lowest of lows in my life. The things that bother me most about each of those is that you never truly appriciate one without the other. I Finaly am starting to feel like for the 1st time in my life i understand who i am. I am in controll of things that at many times in my life i had no controll over. Certain feelings, and Certain thoughts. I am loving the people i am meeting out here. there are alot of really cool things about them. one or two in particular are absolutly amazing. There is just something about their spirit that i cant get over. i am around them and i cant help but leave feeling "wow" one time after being around one of these people i had to literally park my car and take a deep breath just so that i could make it home safe haha. well its almost 3am .. and i still cant sleep.. im suposed to play basketball with josh and some other people in 2 and a half hours or so but we have ZERO gas in the car right now and wont have any untill this afternoon so im not so sure if i will be able to go or not. probably not though :(. I went dancing again on tues. at the electric theater. it was alot of fun, and i really enjoyed being around the friends i went with. part way through the dance i was informed that a friend had died. that was REALLY hard on me.. i wasnt sure how to act or what to do or say. (i found out later that they had not in actuality died) it wasnt untill a guy i had not just met not to long ago noticed something was bothering me and took me aside to talk and make sure i was ok that i actually started to feel some what ok. Then right after that i walked back in and i saw Tali smiling.. and that honestly is the only reason i didnt break down right there in front of everyone. i am so thankfull that she was there that night, and she helped me more then i think she will ever really understand just by being there and talking to me and smiling. I faxed in a resume for a new job. it would be a really great opertunity for me, i really hope that i can get it. it would be working with bind and def children at a school as a teachers aid. i would be learning brail, and helping the kids out. its truly something i would love to do everyday. I think i am starting to consider some other options as far as a potential career path goes as well. All of them of course are aimed at the thought that i will be able to be around and spend alot of time with my future family, but still suport them finacially as well.